This Is When The Insecurity Sets In...Or It Could Be The Full Moon Again

I really wanted to write a post on how I'm going to try to work on some creative visualization techniques in my life and give you an example of how I've successfully used them in the past. Instead I'm almost in tears because of a phone call I made earlier today.

This is the third (or fourth) time I've re-written this post.

It's hard to bounce back from Bankruptcy, from lots of debt, and from many other things. It's hard to do it when you have a supportive spouse/significant other,  even harder if you are "doing this alone".  As I've posted before, as far as I know, my BK filing is not common knowledge to almost all my friends. I've only told two people and I just don't discuss it outside of this blog. I don't.  I still carry a lot of BK issues with me, I'm working on getting over them.  Honestly, I'm no longer bankrupt, I'm post bankrupt.  I just have a BK on my credit report. Onward and upward as they say.

I try to look on the positive side of things. I really do.  Yet today, one comment from one person almost brought me to tears.  This whole BK, job, relearning how to be a fiscally responsible adult again, getting credit again, my work hours getting temporarily cut, the feeling better about myself, the year has had it's ups and downs to say the least.   That plus the fact I've had some issues with how I'm handling my relationships with my various friends has been a new learning curve as well. To put it mildly, it's been a real eye opener for me.

A call today to my friend K just to say hello and catch up resulted in a comment that left me so upset.  It was the tone, context and the way it was said.  Pretty much I was told I should be grateful I had a second job, and that the second job was given to me based solely on this persons personal recommendation and that the trainer who offered me the job pities me.

The conversation that prefaced this comment had almost nothing to do with me or this job.   I called K to find out how she was, I wanted to leave me and my issues out of it.  My work, lack of work, second jobs, issues with elderly friend, etc were not germaine to the conversation. I dislike being called by someone and having the entire conversation be about them and their issues. In fact, I've made a point this year to NOT make those types of phone calls.   K asked me about the second job and I said it's going OK for now, the trainer has barn coverage, he has told me he is happy it's working out for both of us, I have work, he has coverage and we are taking it from there.  

K then says in this tone of voice that is supposed to be supportive, but really comes across as condescending, the above statement.  K has had a run of "good luck" as they say. Actually, really good luck.   A great promotion at her job, a new boyfriend, her parents have offered to help her purchase a new house, she was selected to fill a prestigous position in our hobby club (over me and one other person I might add), plus some other good things.  Which, when she said the above statement to me, really made me wonder why she said it.  I really don't think I took her comment out of context.  I thought about what she said and it was just spiteful. It was not supportive or helpful.

I'm not happy that I'm forty some odd years old with a MA doing the work a responsible 17 year old kid could do.  The biggest difference between me and the 17 year old kids that work here is I can stay overnight, they have to go home to mom and dad. But I'm doing what I have to do to make ends meet.  Part of me is terrified that I will get laid off from my full time job and I'm still behind on an E-Fund that should have been well funded by this time of the year.  I still have a lot of money issues I'm working through. And I don't have a "support" system as she does to fall back upon.

Part of me now wonders if I got this job because of the pity factor, let's face it, this trainer and I don't cross paths very often, I'm not in his backyard, and he probably could have found someone closer to home. Part of me wonders if I was just in the right place at the right time and this has worked out for the both of us. No matter what, the comment really upset me.  I may need a job, but I don't need someone's pity. And I sure don't need K's.