Saturday, December 13, 2008

This Is When The Insecurity Sets In...Or It Could Be The Full Moon Again

I really wanted to write a post on how I'm going to try to work on some creative visualization techniques in my life and give you an example of how I've successfully used them in the past. Instead I'm almost in tears because of a phone call I made earlier today.

This is the third (or fourth) time I've re-written this post.

It's hard to bounce back from Bankruptcy, from lots of debt, and from many other things. It's hard to do it when you have a supportive spouse/significant other,  even harder if you are "doing this alone".  As I've posted before, as far as I know, my BK filing is not common knowledge to almost all my friends. I've only told two people and I just don't discuss it outside of this blog. I don't.  I still carry a lot of BK issues with me, I'm working on getting over them.  Honestly, I'm no longer bankrupt, I'm post bankrupt.  I just have a BK on my credit report. Onward and upward as they say.

I try to look on the positive side of things. I really do.  Yet today, one comment from one person almost brought me to tears.  This whole BK, job, relearning how to be a fiscally responsible adult again, getting credit again, my work hours getting temporarily cut, the feeling better about myself, the year has had it's ups and downs to say the least.   That plus the fact I've had some issues with how I'm handling my relationships with my various friends has been a new learning curve as well. To put it mildly, it's been a real eye opener for me.

A call today to my friend K just to say hello and catch up resulted in a comment that left me so upset.  It was the tone, context and the way it was said.  Pretty much I was told I should be grateful I had a second job, and that the second job was given to me based solely on this persons personal recommendation and that the trainer who offered me the job pities me.

The conversation that prefaced this comment had almost nothing to do with me or this job.   I called K to find out how she was, I wanted to leave me and my issues out of it.  My work, lack of work, second jobs, issues with elderly friend, etc were not germaine to the conversation. I dislike being called by someone and having the entire conversation be about them and their issues. In fact, I've made a point this year to NOT make those types of phone calls.   K asked me about the second job and I said it's going OK for now, the trainer has barn coverage, he has told me he is happy it's working out for both of us, I have work, he has coverage and we are taking it from there.  

K then says in this tone of voice that is supposed to be supportive, but really comes across as condescending, the above statement.  K has had a run of "good luck" as they say. Actually, really good luck.   A great promotion at her job, a new boyfriend, her parents have offered to help her purchase a new house, she was selected to fill a prestigous position in our hobby club (over me and one other person I might add), plus some other good things.  Which, when she said the above statement to me, really made me wonder why she said it.  I really don't think I took her comment out of context.  I thought about what she said and it was just spiteful. It was not supportive or helpful.

I'm not happy that I'm forty some odd years old with a MA doing the work a responsible 17 year old kid could do.  The biggest difference between me and the 17 year old kids that work here is I can stay overnight, they have to go home to mom and dad. But I'm doing what I have to do to make ends meet.  Part of me is terrified that I will get laid off from my full time job and I'm still behind on an E-Fund that should have been well funded by this time of the year.  I still have a lot of money issues I'm working through. And I don't have a "support" system as she does to fall back upon.

Part of me now wonders if I got this job because of the pity factor, let's face it, this trainer and I don't cross paths very often, I'm not in his backyard, and he probably could have found someone closer to home. Part of me wonders if I was just in the right place at the right time and this has worked out for the both of us. No matter what, the comment really upset me.  I may need a job, but I don't need someone's pity. And I sure don't need K's.


Anonymous said...


Hang in there! So what even if you did get the job b/c somebody pitied you? You are doing honest work, trying your best, and have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Do your work and be proud of it.

Perhaps your "friend" - or frenemy, as they say, did not mean what she said. Who knows? But you need supportive people in your life, not people who will be destructive.

You will come out of this stronger financially with the discipline and tools that you need to succeed in the future. It just doesn't feel that way now.


heather said...

Been reading your blog for a little while now, just find it interesting! Just your chin up - I don't have time or enery to get worked about about should try not to as well. And, perhaps she didn't mean it as it came out..anyway...would love to know more about how you got to where you are at (to learn from) do you have a post about how you wnet BK....

Stay positive!! Life is grand!!!

Anonymous said...

I find your blog inspirational. I wish I had the courage to write about my feelings about having gone bankrupt.

Sorry about K, she does not sound like much of a "friend," and or like someone you need in your life at this time. Whatever her issues are that caused her to make that statement, I can feel your pain.

Although it might not feel like it now, you seem to be making great strides in your journey to 'bounce back'!

Anonymous said...

I find that when people say totally rude, "off the wall" things like this it is because they are very unhappy about things that are going on in their own lives and they feel like they need to bring someone else "down" to make themselves feel better. Try to stop thinking about it and just continue to focus on all of the challenges you've made it through so far. I am SO thankful that I found your blog. We are going through the BK filing stage right now and sometimes when I am just so scared and so nervous I come to your blog for hope. I always leave your page feeling like "I can get through this"!!! Thank you!!

Shevy said...

Maybe she thought you should be doing back flips of joy over your second job and had to be rude when you just said it was going fine.

I think she's not worth the energy to bother about and I sure wouldn't bother calling her again!

You're doing fine.

Anonymous said...

My first thought was that she is having issues of her own and felt the need to make herself feel better. From the comment about being glad for a second job maybe she is just a little worried about her own job.

Keep doing what you are doing. You are a great inspiration to many people.

Bouncing Back said...

Thanks everyone for the comments. They are just what I needed this weekend! I appreciate the support.

Like I said, onward and upward and I promise-more upbeat posts this week!


Maria said...

I have found that when people who are supposed to be your "friend" make comments like this it is only a sign of their own insecurity.
In order for them to be happy, they must put another down because they cannot figure out why "they" could have it so good.
You're making so much progress and that's what counts. :)

Saver Queen said...

Just remember that you're working hard, doing the best you can to build a new life for yourself, and it's damn tough when you don't have a support network. Your friend was wrong. It sounds like you're on the right path, even if it's not an easy one. Who is she to judge?

Anonymous said...

Keep your head up! I love your blog, you are doing a great job :)

Dawn said...

Okay, what is the difference between someone giving someone a job because they know they would a) do a good job and b) could use the cash or giving someone a job out of pity? The answer: Context.

I have gotten several part time jobs from people I know who are aware that I could use some extra money right now. They offer me the jobs because they know I will work hard and be responsible, and they figure why not give it to someone who needs it? Someone who was feeling snarky could call that pity, but I think it is just practical good will. Your friend was being a bit spiteful for whatever reason. Even though you see her as having good luck, she might be upset about something and taking it out on you, but whatever her reason, don't let her issues get in the way of your success and feeling good about all you are doing. You are doing great!