Seriously, I need to get unglued because I am stuck.
Somewhere in the bowels of this blog are my guidelines to bouncing back from bankruptcy. Somewhere in the bowels of this blog I describe the events that led me to the bankruptcy. One thing that did not help my situation and in fact was a big contributor to the bankruptcy was, a series of unfortunate events (with apologies to Lemony Snickets).
To put it in the simplest of terms. I had a god awful streak of bad luck. It seemed that for about two years every time I turned around I had bad things happen to me. Even with good advice and careful research, if a rotten fiscal thing could happen to me, it did. House repairs costing multiple hundreds and occasionally thousands of dollars, car repairs, medical bills, investments gone bad. No matter what I did to try and stop the bad ju ju, it just continued on and drained my bank account. That plus some other life altering events left me more than a little gun shy.
And left me feeling stuck in a rut. Sigh. A rut I am struggling to get out of so I can move onward and upward. This is the part of the bouncing back that I am not having a lot of success at. The moving forward. I feel like I'm stuck in a pot of goo. Able to move oh so slightly forward, but just not able to pick up my feet and jump out of the pot.
To say my self esteem took a hit when I had that streak of bad luck is an understatement. I used to pride myself on my work ethic, my sensible decisions, my ability to somehow end up on my feet with a bouquet of flowers, the pride I had in a successful outcome to my hard work and diligence in projects and tasks.
Even though I am 18 months post discharge, I feel like I should be accomplishing more with my life now that I'm not in total fiscal hell. Yet, I freak out when make my spending plan. I hoard my money, then go on spending binges, not for extravagant items, but for things like groceries, socks and underwear and my hobby expenses. It pains me to write out the checks for my bills, even though there is cash in my account. I fret over my up and down emergency fund. I am disgusted with myself for allowing me to use the E-fund to cover the shortages in my checking account because I failed to adjust my spending plan or take into account I failed to
sign my time sheet for my weekend work.
Being in the goo to a certain degree is comforting. At this point the glued feeling is numbingly comforting. It is also not letting me grow as a person post BK nor is it allowing me to be aggressive in pursuing new fiscal goals. I want to be able to pump up my E-fund, I want to feel confident enough to pursue self employment, I want to be able to have enough salary so I can qualify for a mortgage for a new and larger home.
I have acknowledged the mistakes I made with my money that contributed to the bankruptcy. I acknowledged the decisions I made with my finances that were not fiscally sound or prudent. I acknowledged the fact that some events that happened to me were really out of my control. Now I have to be able to take these acknowledgments and move on. It will mean moving out of my comfort
zone and finding a way to come unglued so I can grow again as a person.