Just to add to my neighbors already overloaded plate. Child number two gets picked up by the police and arrested this past weekend for having drug paraphernalia in her back pack. The car she was riding in got pulled over and to make a long story short, all the passengers got frisked and checked out and she got snagged. So did three of the other occupants. My neighbor got a call to come down to the local police station at some ungodly hour of the night. She was so angry at her child that she did not want to bail her out. She wanted to leave her there until Sunday or Monday. The police discharged the kid anyway and set a court date for a few weeks from now. Again, this kid had almost no remorse about what had happened and in fact gave her mother lip when they got home about "how she did not care" if she got arrested and it was "bogus" since she only had the paraphernalia on her and no drugs. And she copped an attitude when her parents said she was grounded, could not use the car and could not have her friends over. She started on the I'm over 18 BS, you can't ground me and my neighbor said fine, go leave, get your own place. Which we know won't happen since child #2 has no money. Plus this apartment she was going to move into to be with/near her boyfriend was going to be funded by boyfriends mother. Not anymore. Boyfriends mother made it very clear that she would help her son with a place to live since he was going to a school that did not provide housing, not to allow son's girlfriend and these other folks to sponge off of her rent payments. Since said boyfreind also got arrested at the same time boyfriends mother is not thinking happy thoughts about his choice of friends at this point in time. My neighbor has to take the day off work without pay to accompany child #2 to court in a few weeks. She can't spare that money, but has to do this. She also can't afford a lawyer, I don't know what the kid will do or what the Public Defender will do.
I did all I could do which was sit on my couch, offer my neighbor glass after glass of wine, listen to the whole story and shake my head. My neighbor left this AM for her vacation. I gave her $40 and told her spend it foolishly on herself. I can truly say she needed the $40 more than I do.
9 comments:
Arrested...what's next for this child? Sad that their mother has to put up with all of this. I'm sure child doesn't think her decisions and choices affect other people, from the way she's acting. A natural consequence would be for the child to earn money somehow to cover the mother's lost wages for being in court.
Marci's idea is good but I bet it won't fly. The kid's attitude will be that her mother "owes it to her" to accompany her to court. Plus, I bet she pushes for Ma to pay for a lawyer and, if she doesn't, any consequence imposed by the court will be her mother's fault for not getting her a "real" lawyer.
This kid has serious entitlement issues. Sorry, but the world does not owe her anything and her mother has way overpaid to date.
Well, having learned the hard way with a couple of my kids, the best advice you can give Mom is that she needs to establish her own boundaries, which she then needs to administer with a huge dose of empathy to her child: "Wow, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Be sure to discuss all your options with your court-appointed attorney. If you want me to go with you to see the attorney, of course I will come. I'll be there for all your court appearances and I'll keep track of your court-related duties. But, umm, no, I won't be paying for a private attorney and I won't be paying your fines. Oh, and I cannot risk drugs ever being found in my home, so you do understand that I'll be conducting random searches of your backpack, purse and room. I understand that you'll hate that, so for both our sakes, make sure I NEVER find anything. If you need to move out, I'll understand. I love you and I want the best for you. But I can't risk my own finances or housing for you. I'm sure you get that." Repeat, ad nauseum!
Kudos to Grace's advice, I have no idea what I would say in such a situation.
Wow, Grace's advice seems spot on to me. Of course, I am not a mom, but I have to say that seemed like it would be incredibly difficult to do, but ultimately the only way her kid might learn.
Since kid started in with the "I'm 18" argument, mom needs to say fine and put her out on the street. Then she will see how big'n'bad 18 actually is...
I am sorry this is not related to your post. Just checking if you are done with the Method contest?
I fully agree with Grace's suggestions. That stance sounds like it would be the best idea for Mom, if she's brave enough.
Grass is always greener on the other side.
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